Shadows of Memory

over and done

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 23:47:19 GMT

I've added everyone over from this account i hope. My new journal is cryofthewolf. I'm trying to get away from some of the memories written in this. So, this will be my last ever entry as rain_of_swords!

typical bad timing

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 13:43:04 GMT

I've mangled my ankle...I don't know how or what exactly I've done. I moved my foot and it cracked like a bullet... I mean, the noise actually echoed.. Now, I pretty much can't walk. I'm having to hop up and down stairs, and lean on walls and stuff when I walk. I can't even get to see a doctor because I did this Friday night and this town only has a doctor Monday to Friday. It's about twenty miles down mountain roads to a hospital so I haven't been to one though I know I should, because i can't get there: my dad doesn't seem to see it as serious enough. And if that wasn't bad enough...

Tomorrow, I have to travel 200 miles to get back to my mum's house. This involves walking around stations and across the centre of Birmingham. I have no idea how I'll do this at all. And I have to go back because:

On Tuesday I was supposed to be meeting up with one of my friends to see her off before she flees the continent and moves to Seattle. It's going to be impossible to go out into the town...

And worse, next Saturday I'm moving house. I only have my mum helping me so I'm theoretically gonna have to walk around all day carrying boxes.

I have no idea what to do...

fucking genetics

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 23:18:43 GMT

Just when life was stressful enough...

I have a genetic condition in my knees, from my dad. He was lucky. The condition was only in one leg. However, he was on a waiting list for over a year to get major surgery to fix it. It left him confined to bed for six weeks and left major scars, since the surgery actually involves removing part of the kneecap.

It's called patello femural syndrome, or tracking. Because the muscle down one side of the leg is stronger than that down the other, the kneecap is pulled out of line, and grates on the side of the femur (the lower legbone). I was in physio for it last year but like the times when I was younger (before a physio diagnosed it and it was just presumed I'd twisted my knee) it went away. Sadly not for long. At the time they told me it was highly likely my left knee would start to go as well in the future. And it just has, sadly coinciding with the problem starting up again in my right.

I'm going to have to go back to see a doctor again before it gets any worse. It's already very painful. I'm terrified of it getting to the state I was in last year. I could hardly walk and was on painkillers so strong they knocked me unconscious a couple of times, made me sleepy the rest of the time, and really messed with my head. I failed my first term mainly because outside of class i was asleep a lot of the tine and even in it I kept dozing off. Not to mention the overriding fear. I'll either be sent for more physio and have to hope it doesn't come back, or there's a chance I'll just be put straight on the surgery lists. Both would likely make me fail the next term and get thrown out of or have to drop out of university. Not to mention the problems this is going to give me with moving house in four weeks time...

questionnaire

Sat, 26 May 2007 19:23:55 GMT

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favourite Movie:
5. Favourite Song or Album:
6. Favourite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy of life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favourite memory of us?
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

Bittersweet

Tue, 22 May 2007 23:22:08 GMT

So much good, so much bad. One then the other.

I've decided to risk my exam and go to Download festival. It's a one off chance that I'll probably never get again.

And I've finally found something I'm really good at in Archaeology; the actual fieldwork side. I've found more metalwork than essentially anyone else, and keep getting specifically assigned to really interesting jobs now. Even better I may be doing a paid excavation over the summer.

But here is where it becomes more awkward...the excavation stuff makes my right leg worse. Walking up a hill on Saturday when we were in Scarborough I was having to lean on Andy...it was actually really painful. And one of my friends freaked out today when she saw how much I'm limping and yelled at me for even coming in. I know I probably need to go back to the doctor but I'm scared they'll put me on those painkillers again which kept knocking me out, or worse. I'm not going to stop though. This is such a key part of my degree, what I want to do after it too...I'll deal with the pain if that's what it takes to continue.

And my depression's hitting back quite badly. I realised, when Andy was here on Sunday actually...something could happen to me and it would be days at the least before anybody even noticed, maybe weeks. Friends would presume I was ill, me and Andy don't actually have too much contact when we're apart, with my family it can be weeks between any communication.And that thought really hurts, I guess.

Mon, 21 May 2007 22:21:59 GMT

Your Score: Chaotic-Evil

38% Good, 80% Chaotic

Plane of Existence: The Abyss, "Plane of Infinite Layers". Notable Inhabitants: Demons.

Examples of Chaotic-Evils (Ethically Chaotic, Morally Evil)

Sephiroth (FFVII)

Jack The Ripper

Baron Vladamir Harkonnen

Blackbeard the Pirate

Cruella DeVille

Khan Noonian Singh

Dr. Evil

The Joker

Professor Moriarty

Lord Voldemort

Actively opposes law, order, good, and all other sissy constraints on doing whatever he or she feels like doing. The stereotypical chaotic evil [person] is the black knight, roaming around on his own, looking for something nasty to do.

Will not necessarily keep their word

Would attack an unarmed foe

Will use poisons

Will not help those in need

Prefers to work alone

Responds poorly to higher authority

Distrustful of organizations

Self-preservation and personal gain are their ultimate goals.

Less inclined to long term planning.

Chaotic Evil "Demonic"

"Destroyer"

A chaotic evil [person] does whatever his greed, hatred, and lust for destruction drive him to do. If he is simply out for whatever he can get, he is ruthless and brutal. If he is committed to the spread of evil and chaos, he is even worse. Fortunately, his plans are haphazard, and any groups he joins or forms are poorly organized. Typically, chaotic evil people can be made to work together only by force, and their leader lasts only as long as he can thwart attempts to topple or assassinate him.

These [people] will commit any act to further their own ends. Chaotic evil is sometimes called "demonic" because demons are the epitome of chaotic evil.

Chaotic evil is power without control, selfishness unfettered by any law.

Other Alignments and Tendencies (Tendenices are what you would more often sway towards; esp. for Neutrals):

0-39% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Evil

0-39% Good, 40-60% Chaotic: Neutral-Evil

40-60% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Neutral

40-60% Good, 40-60% Chaotic: True Neutral

40-60% Good, 61-100% Chaotic: Chaotic-Neutral

61-100% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Good

61-100% Good, 40-60% Chaotic: Neutral-Good

61-100% Good, 61-100% Chaotic: Chaotic-Good

Link: The Alignment Test written by xan81 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

can I kill?

Thu, 17 May 2007 18:14:51 GMT

Ok, some of you know that somebody slammed a door on my hand last term and broke a couple of fingers on my writing hand, meaning I had to be excused from the exam. Now I've been given the date to sit it.

...I was supposed to be going to Download festival on the 8th-10th June. My exam is 8 hours long and on the 13th. I need to pass...well, more than pass...I think I need about 60%, or else I'll have failed a second term and will be thrown off the course.

I don't know whether to go or not, now...and if I don't, I'll kill the guy who broke my fingers.

**************

Edit: Andy's mum basically just said to him, from the impression I got from his txt, that she doesn't think our relationship isn't gonna last. I believe her term was that he should 'try before you buy' with relationships...she thinks he should break up with me (I'm his first girlfriend). Essentially her saying she disapproves.

Fri, 11 May 2007 15:05:31 GMT

Your Score: Jeremiel

So you need Healing (62%), Knowledge (60%), Inspiration (50%), and Strength (75%)?

Link: The Angel Test written by Nitsuki on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

hoping its not just the calm before the storm

Sun, 06 May 2007 23:44:48 GMT

Everything has picked up...now all I have to worry about is that my rent is late and they're gonna yell at me xD There's a tentative peace with my mum, I talked to my sister at last too. The nightmares are still there, violent as ever...but I haven't had another panic attack in over a week now. Hoping they've subsided for a while again.

The only thing that was never resolved was that I kept all that was going on from Kalli. I still feel really guilty about it, even though I was there all weekend. But talking now that it's all gone away would make it worse.

But enough of the depressive talk. I have my spirit back. And am about to throw myself back into Judo training, far more than ever before. I want my life back rather than sitting in my room wasting the seconds staring at a screen. So if I'm not online as much, you'll know why.

It continues..

Tue, 01 May 2007 23:45:57 GMT

Still no contact. And even worse I think my mum is blocking my 9 year old sister from contact with me now. It was Evie's birthday on Saturday. If I phoned it would have led to a blazing row with my mum. I've been pulling so many hours in uni that I haven't had a chance to post off a card, and I didn't want to spoil her birthday by her hearing the sort of argument that would have resulted.

So i sent my sister an e-card and an email telling her where I'd left her present late the night before. Now I know for a fact that Evie checks her email every day, and would have replied. She usually does so the same day even. But it's now 4 days later and i haven't heard anything. Now her internet account is closely monitored, even more so than mine was when I still lived there. And I wouldn't put it past my mum and step-dad to have seen the email and stopped it from reaching her. My sisters mean more to me than anything in the world. Every day I wish I could see them, miss them more than everything else. they were the only reason I stayed with my family for so long.

The stress of all this is starting to make me sick. I fell asleep on the bus on the way back from our trip today, and then got in and within an hour had to go to bed. I've reolved that this week I'm gonna face the music...I'm confronting my mum. This has gone too far. And I'm gonna snap totally if this continues. Already on the brink... keep having to leave the block in the middle of the night to walk round the lake and clear my head. Or finding that I've put the same song on a loop for hours on end.

manipulating parent

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 12:39:00 GMT

My own mother is trying to turn me back into a puppet. I lost it at her last Wednesday and left in the middle of a bout of drama. I've only been arguing back at her for a couple of years, and she's still not used to it. In this case, however, she's gone to a new low: tampering with my bank account. But that's the end of this, not the beginning.

I'd been home for about 4 weeks, but all was relatively peaceful up until last tuesday, the night before I was heading back to university. Though my step dad had made me wipe every file I had off the computer which created minor drama. My mum said something that made me flip out. Her exact comment, I believe, was: 'Why do you even bother coming home? Not like we actually see you when you're here. You may as well just stay at uni'. In relation to this please note that not only does she make me come back but also that while I was there they all went away for 8 days and left me to look after the house. Though the 'invite' was there to go along, they had organised it so I wouldn't want to: I'd have had to have slept on the sofa there, where my sisters would wake me up every morning at 6am so that they could watch tv. Plus I would have to stay up until my mum and stepdad decided to go to bed, which would equal an average of 4 hours of sleep a night.

I didn't say anything and just went upstairs then. But later on I found out that because my mum had been keeping her stuff in my cupboard( which i already knew) the thing had broken and my clothes were all over the bottom of it. A few things which I hadn't brought with me here because I was scared they'd get damaged had had the cat sleeping in with them and are now full of holes. That was the exact point that i realise dthat they didn't actually want me there. I was round my friends' houses a lot when they were on holiday and it brought the realisation home. That they were trying to keep every trace of me out of the rest of the house as well.The only evidence that I exist outside my room is a small picture of me and my mum from when I was 5 or 6 that is half hidden behind the curtain in a corner. Adnd now mum had started intruding on the one space that was mine and putting her stuff in my room as well.

So I flipped. Presuming it was all about the ripped clothes and not getting the point of what i was saying, mum became immensely sarcastic and condescending. And I'll admit I lotst my temper and certain things were said that shouldn't've been. one of which was a response to what she's said earlier....I basically told her that I was glad I was leaving the next day and couldn't take the place anymore. When i went down later to check train times, somebody had disabled my email account. I had to contact a friend and get them to look at the timetable for me. The next morning when I was about to leave i told mum I was going and she just blanked me and wouldn't even turn away from the computer.

The argument continued on the phone on the train back up north...I actually broke into tears. Haven't cried in public in a long time. And there was no contact for 2 days. On friday, I suddenly get a message saying she's taken a call from the bank about my loan for me. And i know she could only do that by impersonating me, they're really tight on security. Then I get another message asking if I have enough money to last.Then I check my account balance and find out that it looks like some of my money has gone. There's suddenly only a tenner left. And it can be up to a week into term before the loan goes through (today is the first actual day of term). Replied without implying I knew she'd almost certainly taken some out. she becomes all nice and offers to transfer money over into my account from the fund I've got (it was set up when i was 3 or so) to live off this week, and asking for my bank details. Before I had time to send them another message comes through saying she put the money in. This would mean she already had my details, but i knew that already. She would have had to, to deal with the call from the bank.

I know her...this was just a demonstration. She was trying to show how much influence she has...she doesn't get over arguments easily, and tends to remain bitter and vindictive for weeks afterwards. And her favourite thing has always been to take things of mine. One argument alone made her take my internet away for over 3 months last summer. It's a threat that she can so easily take away my money... my rent comes from the fund I've got, otherwise I would be living off around £15 a week. I'm dependant upon the loan money to get me through university, and if she messes with it I'm doomed.

I know this probably sounds really petty...

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 00:42:35 GMT

*100 Nosey Questions* by longtallsally28
The Basics
Name:	Natasha Leanne Tyler-Harris
Age:	18
Month of birth:	August
Any Siblings?:	two sisters and a step brother
Parents still married?:	never to each other, yes to other people
Occupation:	Archaeology student
Do you like your job?:	hell yes
Any pets?:	a goldfish, two dogs and two cats
Hair color:	brown with a silver stripe
Eye color:	blue
Shoe size:	5
Any Tattoos?:	none yet
Any Piercings?:	eats
Current mood:	mischievous
Current wardobe choice:	jeans, boots and black or red shirts. sometimes a black ribbon in my hair too
What are you listening to?:	Lostprophets
Who did you last speak with on the phone?:	Ruth, my best friend (flightofdragons)
What do you currently smell like?:	tea tree oil
Last....
Movie you watched:	Wayne's World
Magazine you looked at:	Kerrang
Thing you ate:	pork chop and chips
Book you read:	Lady Friday by Garth Nix
T.v. show you watched:	Doctor Who
Time you cried:	Wednesday. Fight with my mum
Took a shower:	Yesterday
Got a real letter (a.k.a Snail Mail):	About 6 weeks ago
Ate at a restaurant (not fast food):	Around new years
CD you bought:	A Beautiful Lie by 30 Seconds to Mars
What is/was....
The best thing to happen to you today?:	Sitting with Andy for most of the day
Your most prized possession:	my silver wolf pendant
Your first vehicle:	a YN50 Neo Moped
Your current vehicle:	Shanks' Pony (my own 2 feet)
Your favorite quote:	De omnibus dubitandum
You bedtime (on average):	3am
Your best trait/characteristic:	Honesty
Your worst trait/characteristic:	Oversensitivity
Do You....
Store things under your bed:	Yep
Daydream:	All the time
Have a computer at home:	Yup
Live in the city, suburbs or country:	Since I live at uni, in a city.
Live in a home, apartment, duples or mobile home:	Student Halls (Dorms)
Own a cell phone:	yup
Have a good luck charm:	yep.
Collect anything:	crystals, soft toys,
Attend high school or college:	college
Make good grades:	most of the time
Have You Ever....
Had a surgery?:	physio and osteopathy but no surgery
Had teeth pulled?:	never
Broke the law intentionally:	hate to admit it but...
Ran away from home?:	wasn't brave enough to
Broke a bone?:	several, at different times
Cheated on a test/exam:	first time was when i was 7
Had a friend pass away:	nobody close enough to call a friend
Been issued a citation/traffic ticket:	no
Been in an auto accident:	several
Lied to someone:	yes
Been lied to:	too many times
Your Favorite....
Place to be:	Llanidloes
Place to visit:	the Dylife glacial valley in Powys
Place to chill:	the Farm Woods bomb crater (don't ask)
Non-Alcoholic drink:	Limeade
Alcoholic drink:	VK Blue
Type of food:	chocolate
Meal/Food dish:	pizza
Dessert:	ice cream
Shampoo & Conditioner:	herbal essences
Toothpaste:	colgate
Salad dressing:	nothing
Ice cream:	mint choc chip
Fast food establishment:	don't eat real fast food so Dominos pizza
Color:	silver/red
Season:	Autumn
Holiday:	Halloween
Perfume/Cologne:	don't like either really. So diluted lime essence
Video Game:	Final Fantasy
T.V. show:	Stand Alone Complex
Smells:	lime, melted chocolate,
Article of clothing:	my ankle length leather coat
Book:	Guardians of Time trilogy by Marianne Curley
Children's Book:	Artemis Fowl
Candy:	Maya Gold chocolate
Car:	one that doesn't crash
Do You Believe....
In Karma:	no
In God:	not in an organised religion sense
In Heaven & Hell:	no
That aliens exist (extraterrestrial variety, not illegal aliens):	Yes. With a universe this big we can't be alone
That ghosts exist:	Yes. Can;t deny what i've seen with my own eyes
In horoscopes:	Sometimes
In others you know (family, friends, co-workers etc):	Only truly in my friends
In yourself:	It depends entirely upon the context
Your Opinion....
On the death penalty:	It should be scrapped. Nobody is beyond help.
On reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in schools:	National brainwashing
On homosexuals in the military:	Why shouldn't they be?
The war in the Middle East:	It should be stopped. It's all about corporate gain
Schwarzeneggar...Governor or Terminator:	Neither. He was terrible at both
Current gas/fuel prices:	They should be higher. At the momoent the environment is paying the price
Take this survey \| Find surveys Pimp My Profile

Happy entry at last.

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 14:54:01 GMT

The pressure is finally off. I've has 2 good nights of sleep in a row, because of my hand i've been excused from the 8-hour exam tomorrow, and don't have to sit in until after Easter, and Kalli is coming to visit me instead, and staying all weekend. It's the end of term, too. I have nothing for 5 weeks. Off to Rome from next Tuesday until Sunday. Then a month at home, where my mum's going away for part of the time, and my friends are coming to stay with me for some of that. Forgotten what its like not to have to run around all the time i think.

I need a murder alibi

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 16:39:51 GMT

I swear.....I'm going to tear this guy apart limb from limb...the person who slammed my hand in a door a few weeks ago...my hand hasnt healed...and now I have to go into hospital to get it x-rayed tomorrow. And when he found out...he looked somehow smug about it...I had a very long kitchen knife in my hand, and, I swear, I was unbelievably tempted to slit his throat with it.

FFXII Envy

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 15:01:46 GMT

Everyone has it but me!!!!!!!!!! And Andy (Kalli) made it much worse by letting me play the game when i visitied him at the weekend. I'm addicted already, and don't even own it yet. i have to wait for my next loan installments, which isn't until mid-april, before I can afford it!

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 01:35:09 GMT

Happy Valentines Day everybody! *gives out roses*

To me, this day has double importance. It's also a year to the day since i first met Andy (Kallosis to those of you who know me through acf)^_^ Gotta stay up all night to get all of my work done, but i'm going to go there tomorrow morning and spend all day with him.

university is threatening to kick me out

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 18:50:41 GMT

Well, in an update to the last entry, I heard from my dad on Friday. Luckily, there were no complications, and though he's laid up in bed for 3 weeks, he's doing fine.

Which is more than I can say for myself right about now. On Friday, i got an official letter from the university. They're saying that due to my 'poor' attendance (I think I missed 3 things last term) and my failure to meet essay deadlines, I have been failed for that term and if I so much as breathe wrong this term they will remove me from the course.

The essay deadline problem, along with 2 of my 3 absence, was due to the side effects of the painkillers I was on, for a problem with my right leg (i.e. they either put me to sleep or left me very drowsy and in no condition to read up/write for any length of time). There was also the wonderful added effect that for a couple of weeks of last term I could barely walk so couldn't get to the library for books.

Before that was diagnosed, as well, to be honest I was in a fair deal of pain (my kneecap had in essence slipped and was sitting out of alignment, its unlikely it's ever going to fully heal) and at the time was also in and out of physiotherapy. And for that they've basically failed me, which makes me really angry.

My supervisor said that the issue could be resolved, but i can clearly see it hasn't been. I have a 2500 word essay to do this weekend, have only managed a few hundred words despite staying up all night on Friday (since i was staying with my family last night) and I highly doubt that there is any hope of finishing it now. It's been days since i've slept properly. But the simple fact is that if i fail to submit this essay on time and pass it, I'll get thrown off the course.

Wish me luck. If I fall asleep tonight, like I did on Friday, I'm doomed.

I can't be there

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 12:46:43 GMT

My dad goes into hospital tomorrow. I only get to see him once every few months, and the fact i can't be there for him when he finally goes in (has been waiting for a VERY long time for this operation) is eating me up inside. My dad has the same knee problem as mine, but since the accident he had a couple of years ago, ( he hasn't been the same since) it's been so bad that some days, or after he overdoes it, he can hardly walk.

The thing which has gone unspoken so far between us, since I got the email about him going in for the day tomorrow (they're sending him home straight after), is the potential for complications here. After the accident, my dad developed a condition called thyrotoxicosis. This causes the metabolism to speed up and can be exceptionally dangerous in extreme cases. My dad's case was so high it went off the charts. Though against all the odds he's made a 'recovery', the slightest thing could trigger a relapse of it, since this first case was beleived to be stress induced after the accident. So you can see why me not being able to be there for him hurts so much.

Ugh...

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 16:57:29 GMT

Talk about drama. For those that know of what went on last night, you'll know why i'm sat here over 12 hours later shaking like a leaf and have hardly slept. So bad I actually had to go to bed for a couple of hours during the day. I'm a neurological wreck.For those of you that don't know why I'd rather keep it that way. Cause if I talk I'm probably going to start crying again...so be careful round me for a bit, OK? Don't know how long it'll be before I'm back to my old self again. With what's happened it may be a while.

Saw this on someone else's page and thought it looked interesting.

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 13:45:08 GMT

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

Your exact opposite:
The Dirty Little Secret

Deliberate Gentle Sex Master

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.